I support most functions of law enforcement and respect the officers.

After a statement like that, you know that there will be a qualifier that follows and this time is no exception.

BUT... The lowest form of life on the planet is not, as previously thought, the email “marketer” but the people that send out good cops for speed limit enforcement duty.

As you might have already guessed, I got a speeding ticket today and yes I am going to rant.

Here is pretty much how it went down:

I was on an empty stretch of road connecting two God-forsaken towns in a God-forsaken state. This is the kind of road that just screams, “Go fast, and get the hell out of here”. The poor souls that are forced to travel here are driven to the brink of madness by mind-numbing “scenery” and mostly flat and straight roads. Frankly, the only drive I have made that is worse than this is the so-called “Great Salt Flats”, which I don’t find so great. Of course I was speeding.

I should have been suspicious that something was up because there was a rise ahead, but having my mind so numbed by the monotony, I just blithely went over the little hill. Just on the other side was a sign that read “Speed Limit 45” and a Sheriff’s car with a radar gun. Flashing lights, cursing, and gravel sounds from under my tires ensued. The conversation went like this:

Jackhole: License and registration please.
Sinner’s internal monologue: Do you carry that huge nightstick to compensate for something?
Sinner’s voice: Yes sir.

Jack Booted Thug: In a hurry this afternoon, sir?
Sinner’s internal monologue: Yes, I have to get out of this hellhole you call home.
Sinner’s voice: Just want to get home before the weather, sir.

Tiny Penis Schmuck: Do you know how fast you were going?
Sinner’s internal monologue: You’re the one with the testicular cancer hazard, you tell me you fascist oppressor.
Sinner’s voice: No sir.

Gestapo Officer: I clocked you at 83.
Sinner’s internal monologue: Really? I would have bet that you didn’t know numbers that high.
Sinner’s voice: I had my cruise control set at 65, Sir.

The Storm trooper leaves to run my priors and the stream of obscenities resumes until he returns.

SS Captain: I am only going to write you up for 65 because you have a clean record. Sign here.
Sinner’s internal monologue: [SPIT]
Sinner’s voice: Thank you, sir. [Signs]

Soviet boarder guard: Now slow it down and be safe.
Sinner’s internal monologue: Kiss my milky white ass, fascist! [throws ticket out the window and kicks the gas hard, throwing gravel in the face of “The Man”].
Sinner’s voice: I will, sir. [pulls out slowly]

I was soooooo late getting in because I was now marked as “Public Enemy #1”. I had to keep a low profile, so I went super slow, so slow that Amish people were passing me and giving me the finger.

Seriously, what the heck is the point of this sort of “law enforcement”? If I would have lost control and spun wildly or flipped over, I would have destroyed exactly nothing. Not even crops as they were already harvested. I doubt that the wreckage would have even been noticed until the farmer plowed next spring. The only one hurt would have been me and my family. So don’t tell me it was for “Public Safety”, as if there was any “Public” within 30 miles to keep safe from a hardened criminal like myself. The only motivation for these patrols would be The almighty dollar. “Patrolling” the roads “for our safety” does nothing but make criminals out of law abiding citizens. The officers that are assigned to that duty are nothing more than highly paid and trained freelance tax collectors.

What we all say about a multi-billion dollar industry that stopped random people on the street and shook them down for cash? We would say, “Where are the Police?” Too bad the industry is the police. Who will protect us from our “protectors”?


There is a perverse incentive for police organizations to get lazy and turn into shakedown thugs. Local populations demand more cops, but local governments are unwilling to fund them directly from tax revenues. They can however pass ridiculous speed limits or other impossible to comply with ordinances and enable the police force to partially self-fund. We have seen this in the seizure provisions of the drug warrior laws.

I don’t know if this has been suggested, but I will do so here and now. Fines from traffic violations should be directed to charity and not into the coffers of the courts, law enforcement agencies, or the officers themselves.

If you still want to send out the ticket cops, feel free but use our own money. The charities will love you, if not your local taxpayers.

Update: Welcome Bonfire fans! If you like screedy goodness, see the main page!